North Korea Head Off to Win World Cup

May 10th, 2010 | by: Alan | View Comments

(left) Coach Hun, national hero, World Cup winner, 2010

What the newspapers will say in Pyongyang, North Korea, on Monday July 12, the day after the World Cup Final -

Over a moon ago, the flowers at the airport in Pyongyang rained down upon our blessed players and coaches as they headed off for a full month of rigorous training and match friendlies that led to our success in the World Cup Finals. The world came to know us. Brazil were left staring at the purple grass, Portugal and Ronaldo rendered impotent, and Ivory Coast were swept away in a tidal wave of attacks that left the crazy man, Didier Drogba, a crushed and broken fool. In the Round of 16, we annihilated our treacherous brothers in the south with shots on goal that moved faster than torpedoes in the water; in the quarter-finals, the Chollima smacked the head of ugly English bulldogs; the semis sent the mad cows of Argentina to the slaughter house and then, on the day of our eternal salvation, our Dear Leader and our Supreme Leader, poured forth with juche as the vanguard of the people’s revolution obliterated those damn Yankees in the World Cup Final. In the baseball stands of America, the hot dogs went limp, and the poetry of our victory rose over them like rancid mustard and rotted relish. Now, with the World Cup in our hands, we no longer need nuclear weapons, and we’re not handing it back because we might melt it down, if we don’t get what we want.

*Reports indicate that regular North Koreans will not be allowed to watch on TV the upcoming World Cup, or hear commentary on the radio. Too bad. A nation will miss out on its predetermined glory. C’mon North Korea! Get your winning North Korean strips now!

If you fancy it, check out my guide to the World Cup Finals, including more mad stuff on North Korea.